DBT Skills in Motion

Check the Facts

12/12/2018

This is the DBT skill that shows you how to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Sorry for the corny pun, I could NOT resist. Check the Facts is one of my favorite, most shared and personally used skill from the 80+ DBT skills out there.

The story in our heads is far more dramatic, twisted, exciting overall than generally what the facts of a situation or encounter are if we allow it to be.

Am I saying we are all making shit up in our heads? Kinda.

We all come equipped with our judgments, assumptions, beliefs and interpretations of encounters and events all pre-loaded and ready to fly.
With that being said ... again with the pumping of the brakes, pump the brakes! ... this is what we need to do to slow down and not allow ourselves to get carried away with the feelings & big emotional reactions these assumptions can spark, fuel and engulf us. It is ok to think it, it is not ok to act on it, especially without Checking the Facts.

After using the STOP skill lets look at the facts supporting our big emotion/assumption. Do the facts support this reaction? If so, proceed mindfully.

If not ... STOP! Do not act on that urge to relieve yourself of all your negative thoughts onto someone else, to pass judgement, to cry uncontrollably, to blame them for everything, hurt or throw anything.

This is the time you slow things down and try to conjure up the appropriate feeling/emotion to go with what is actually happening. Not what you are afraid might happen, what you think could happen and certainly stay away from all shoulds at all costs! The shoulds come with a blanket of shame and a pillow of guilt, = no rest = no thanks!

Keep trying, we can only improve as we go. Thanks for reading!

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Deconstructing Emotions - Where are those coming out of no where" big emotions really come from

12/10/2018

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Big Emotions often feel like they simply come out of nowhere!
Like a giant scary wave crashing down on us. (riding the wave is a skill for later)
As long as we are going through life on auto-pilot all of those observations are correct.
We learn from our mistakes right?!?! And I have made a ton of them, hence I know so much now.

How about we pump the brakes, slow things down by deconstructing our emotions. Taking a look back at what happened the last time we had a big emotion, we will find there are lots of factors at play rather than "It just happened" , "I can't stop it once it starts", "You made me feel that way" " I wouldn't have yelled if you didn't do <insert whatever action happened that was not your fault, doing or within your control from your perspective of course>. The list goes on and on how we describe emotions that go from 0 to 60 in no time.

Breaking down what really happens before we get to that emotion. We need to check in with our Vulnerability factors - this is what happened before to make us vulnerable to the prompting event? How was our eating, sleeping, are we stressed, worried, having a rough day, what kind of mood are we in? Retell the story of what led up to the event to yourself.
Prompting Event (aka. Trigger) - What "set off" the emotion? What happened in the few minutes right before the emotion started? Just the Facts!
Interpretation - Thoughts, assumptions, appraisals and beliefs about the Prompting Event
Biological Factors - Face & Body Changes and Experiences: Asking ourselves "What am I or was I feeling in my face and body?" Paying attention to our Action Urges = "What do I or did I feel like doing? What do I or did I want to say?"
Emotional Response/Urge - Face and Body Language: "What is or was my facial expression? Posture? Gestures?" Expression with words= "What I said" and finally Actions - "What I did! "
Emotion Name - Naming the emotion now and rating its intensity from 0-100
After effects - The emotions, behavior, thoughts, etc. arising as a result of all of the above ... the aftermath, the emotional burning building we walked out of or was it effective? Did we slow it down enough to avoid making it worse?

I'm hoping it gets more and more effective as you practice being more mindful and understanding how emotions truly arise. Until next ime ...

Keep trying, you are getting better each day and thanks for reading.

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S.T.O.P!

12/10/2018

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One of the Best DBT Skills and sounds the simplest!

S - Stop what you are doing

T - Take a step back from what is going on ... especially if you are feeling over whelm, take a step back!

O - Observe what is happening not only in the moment you are in, also in YOUR BODY. Is your heart racing, are your palms sweaty, is your brain going to fast to catch a thought, how is your tummy feeling

P - Proceed Mindfully! Try Paced Breathing. Slow everything down with the power of your breath.
Do some square breathing (trace a box while you breath in for 5, out for 5, in for 5 and out <repeat!> until you can think/see straight. Play around with the count of your breathing in and out. Science tells us breathing out for 6-8 and in for 4-5 will calm us down faster. Try it and let me know what happens!

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Change is coming ... if you let it.

10/27/2018

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Change is in the air, it is the time of year for transition as the seasons change.
[insert sound of needle screeching off the record]

What is in our way to make the changes so obviously needed to improve our lives?

Seems easy to point out what needs to change (generally the outcome) or at least
what we don't want to continue feeling over and over.
I have more clients than I can count who masterfully express what they want different in their lives, what they no longer want to feel. Some sharing ideas of oversimplified advice "all I need to do is (insert easy peasy solution here)". Or the alternative is the lack of the how (extremely debilitating).

These same clients say they simply can't put the ideas into action for x, y & z reasons. All valid reasons and all of these reasons have one huge component in common.

What is standing in the way of acting on these needed changes?!?
It is FEAR ... FOTU (fear of the unknown), because we need another acronym.

Many of us hold onto damaging behaviors visibly destroying our relationships, keeping us from goals, increasing negative feelings and adding to the chaos of our lives. These are the same behaviors we've "always" done, the ones we magically anticipate a different outcome from, that will validate our feelings and get our needs met (I feel the frustration rising just typing this).

What do I tell my clients?
Stop doing what you've "always" done and lets try what you've "never" done.

Hear me out ... When we are feeling "triggered", our "buttons being pushed", I challenge my clients to let those triggered feelings rise up and resist the urge to engage. What did I say there? Do NOTHING. I am not saying stonewall someone, ignore or be rude. What I am saying is to let that wave of emotion crash over you and breathe through it before you respond. Zoom out, check the facts, is it even about you, then come back and tackle the issue together. I can assure you by taking a moment to allow those prickly heart racing emotions to rise and fall, your response and outcomes will be far closer to your goals. The goal is to not make it worse, right?!?
Eye on the prize.
Fear of the unknown is legit, I see it leave people frozen, the struggle is real. Mindfulness, self compassion/kindness and patience are my other best ideas for tackling it.

Dare to change, Change is scary, Do it anyway.

Until next time ... remember to breathe.

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Mindfulness Summed Up!

10/7/2017

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Teens and adults can easily go through life pretty mindlessly if we aren't redirected. My challenge for teens coming into my practice and the adults in their lives is to work towards living more mindfully. You know that buzz word that is everywhere now ... Teens chances of being successful in achieving mindfulness starts with you their parents and caregivers. Here is a brief breakdown of the nuts & bolts of teen mindfulness.

We start in the beginning with the What & How skills involved in Mindfulness skills. In order for this to take effect in your teens daily lives I need parents practicing and supporting them. I need you to be their skills coaches at home!

Snapshot of where teens are stuck ... They are stuck in fearing judgments of peers, family, teachers, themselves, strangers=everyone everywhere! Sounds like a lot to carry right?!? It is! Self criticism, not good enough, undeserving of love, lonely, socially anxious, peer pressured and a general lack of skills how to handle these big emotions are where they are stuck. The inner self criticism loop is playing in their heads 24/7 for the most part. So how on earth is mindfulness going to help?

This is where I come in and how I need your help.

Practicing mindfulness as a family is going to bring everyone closer, increase the communication you want, not the door slamming and yelling kind, but the genuine caring kind. Most of all mindfulness will increase their self esteem. Don't worry I am not asking you to all sit in a circle on the floor in the lotus position (criss cross applesauce) with eyes closed chanting "um" for 20 minutes.
What I am asking for you to do is slow life down by being more present in the now with each other. Turning screens off, being with each other, sharing meals and experiencing activities together. Listening to what they are saying and feeling and trying hard NOT to silver-line it or fix it right away (that is the hard part). I am asking for you to allow your teen to feel what they are feeling and to validate (not agree, that is different) with what they are feeling. More about validation in another post.

So, How do I do that?

We can start with leaving the past in the past and the future where it is, deal with what is happening when it is happening. No need to remind of past failures and to keep breathing life into them, or inform them how they aren't going to get into college if they don't do their work. Teens are ruminating on all of that as it is and have all the negative self talk you can imagine playing on a loop in their heads. Letting go of judgments is the key here.

Next, we direct them to the What & How skills of mindfulness, which are to Observe, Describe and Participate; Non-judgmentally, One-mindfully and Effectively. If we can't observe it and describe with sticking to only the facts (non-judgmentally), then it isn't happening. So that takes mind-reading and assumptions right off the table. It pumps the brakes on the story they (and you) are hearing in their heads. It takes the judgment out of that side glance they just got from their latest frenemy, it stops you the parent from jumping to conclusion when they come home late or didn't turn in their homework ... again!

We all need to put this into practice daily! It takes practice!

Simply telling them to "use their skills" isn't enough, we need to be more precise with our directions. WE need to be practicing what we are asking from them. When you see your teen spiraling down the anxiety & depression ridden, assumption, mind-reading, isolating, avoiding with excuses, feeling not good enough road try pulling them out with taking a moment to hear them out (just listen), take a few deep breaths together and say lets "Stick to the facts" and they need to Participate in going over the observable and nonjudgmental description of what is happening. Help them by going over what that story in their head is telling them and poke holes in it with the truth of the situation where it fits. Then guide them to what might work, generate a list of effective options for conquering what is going on right now. Teens need to feel they are heard ... again you may not see what the big upset is and I get that ... but that is not what they need at the moment. Minimizing what is happening with them will increase the negative thoughts and behaviors plus widen that gap between the two of you. Steering them towards their skills with ideas on how to put them into place will increase their success. Utilize a DBT skills for teens workbook with them and I am open to assist with skills coaching too.

I have tons more to say, but this post is ever growing so I will mindfully pace myself for your sake. Keep on keeping on and trying ... thank you for your care and support for your teen and trusting this process.

In Gratitude,
Audrey Roach-Slivinski LCSW
audrey@beachestherapy.com

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Audrey Roach-Slivinski, LCSW

This is where I share what I know to be helpful to 100's. I am a life long learner and obsessed with learning and living with these wonderful DBT Skills. Intensively trained in DBT and offering the only groups of the kind in my metro area. I adore what I do and am fortunate as well as grateful to be able to share this knowledge for over 15 years. Trained @ NYU, the Yale Child Study Center, BTTI (Behavior Therapy Training Institute), under the mentorship of DBT Guru's - Dr. Charles Swenson & Nancy Gordon, LCSW, assisting me in bringing the best version of Evidence Based Therapies to my clients. Attaining these skills as a teen = the sooner a level of peace and happiness can be acheived. Life is painful naturally, my job is to teach others to tolerate that pain and not allow it to morph into suffering. Excited to share ... thanks for reading!

Check the Facts

Deconstructing Emotions - Where are those coming out of no where" big emotions really come from

S.T.O.P!

Change is coming ... if you let it.

Mindfulness Summed Up!

Audrey Roach-Slivinski, LCSW

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